


Hand in Hand

by Sugarbowl



Category: GOT7
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Masturbation, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-19 10:10:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12408396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugarbowl/pseuds/Sugarbowl
Summary: GOT7 are on the rise, but so is Jinyoung's acting career. As the other members draw closer, Jinyoung feels like he's floating further away. Is it better to hold on tight, or just let go?// Belatedly crossposted from the Got-Hyung Fic Exchange on LJ!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [latestars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/latestars/gifts).



> [ Alert: ] you may have already read this! I wrote it as a gift for Fullmoonrises, during the Got-Hyung Fic Exchange, on Livejournal. I'm crossposting it here so I can get all my fic neatly in one place.
> 
> Original note: I started this before we heard anything about the new dorm, and that everybody except Yugbam has their own rooms. So it's a little less canon. This slips around in POV and pace quite a bit, but I hope it still satisfies. Enjoy :)

Jinyoung holds his own hand. It's a nervous habit, and he's not sure how it developed so late for him as an adult. Sometimes he wonders if it's some kind of strange idol symptom he’ll carry through retirement.  
  
Still, it’s a subconscious comfort, and seems to fit neatly into the person he’s become. Or is he still becoming? Sometimes, Jinyoung watches video of him from just five years ago, and cringes. He still feels unsure of himself, but he knows he’s different – quieter, restrained. And he holds his own hand sometimes.  
  
Looking back, Jinyoung understands when he was younger, a little more earnest, he was constantly seeking someone’s validation. From JYP management, new fans, or even Jaebum. The pressure was high, and in retrospect, Jinyoung can easily spot the cracks in his younger self’s shell.  
  
But now, Jinyoung wonders if his quiet maturity is just as much of a shell, a carefully maintained facade meant to fit nicely with the rest of the group. Every day, he wonders if his interests are really his own, or if they’re just what he’s managed to carve out as individual, in a group of seven.  
  
Is Jinyoung bookish and coy just because Jackson is loud and cheerful, and Jaebum is smooth and mysterious? Is his personality just what's leftover, in a crowded boyfriend concept?  
  
He supposes it doesn’t matter for now. GOT7 is doing better than ever, a slow but steady incline in success, and Jinyoung reminds himself to focus on gratitude.  
  
They've finally moved into a bigger dorm, a narrow but multi-level townhouse that Jinyoung knows will feel too small in about a year. Still, every millimeter helps, and the boys space out from each other a little. Jinyoung still manages to nab his own room, and although it’s not much larger than the last, it has its perks.  
  
Notably, it exists on its own – blissfully distinct from BamBam & Yugyeom. It’s at the end of a hall, and it has one precious little window. The view isn’t much, narrow like an arrowslit, and their neighborhood is still dense and urban. But he can peek out pretty far, and in the morning he can feel the sunrise, rays piercing between the buildings.  
  
He likes to let it beam down on his single bed, leaving his blinds open even on clear mornings. The warm, focused light reminds him of a spotlight.  
  
He indulges in the small, selfish thought that at least in his room, his most unprocessed, private self is the main attraction. Jinyoung wonders if it'll ever be enough for someone else.  
  
  
//  
  
  
At a fanmeeting, the crowd squeals as the MC brings up their new dorm and rooming situation. Ahgases love hearing about them living together – from petty fights about socks down to the mundane details of their duvet covers. But most of all, they love hearing about roomie drama.  
  
“So, you and Jaebum are still sharing a room, Jackson?” The host asks, and someone screeches as Jackson flutters his eyelashes at Jaebum.  
  
“I've captured his heart,” Jackson says greasily. Everyone laughs, and Jinyoung watches as Jaebum pats Jackson on the thigh.  
  
“Youngjae and Mark won’t switch back,” Jaebum says more frankly, and there’s even more laughter.  
  
Still, his hand doesn't leave Jackson's thigh, and Jinyoung watches it, the thumb circling slowly. He's not sure why it's so hard to tear his eyes away, but he eventually does.  
  
  
//  
  
  
Next is a V Live update, par for the course. Jinyoung stays to a corner, which is also not unusual. Jackson sits beside Jaebum, and then Jackson sits _on_ Jaebum, and never gets up.  
  
There’s bouncing, and Jaebum’s hands all over his thighs, and at one point Jackson even wiggles to the beat of their single and Jaebum hides his face a bit.  
  
Jinyoung is handed one of the staff phones, and watches as the comments explode with dozens of crying emoji and ‘JACKBUM SO WILD.’ Jinyoung allows himself a chuckle at the intensity, but it makes him feel a little queasy.  
  
He hands the phone off to Mark, who’s curled into the armchair Jinyoung leans against. Mark seems unimpressed by the comments, but he still giggles along with the others’ antics, tucking the phone away coolly.  
  
At one point, Jaebum attempts to quiet Jackson down a bit, moving to teasingly clap a hand over his mouth. But Jackson instead opens his mouth wide and chomps down on one of his fingers. Jaebum tries to wiggle it away, howling in exaggerated pain, and then Jackson slurps it entirely into his mouth for a moment.  
  
BamBam screams as he watches, Yugyeom nearly giggling himself off the couch beside them. Jaebum is laughing so hard it’s noiseless, finally flinging his hand away and burying a flushed, embarrassed face into Jackson’s shoulder.  
  
Jaebum eventually attempts to get them back on track, and giggly Youngjae and a tight-lipped Jinyoung manage to assist. It feels like eons later, but it’s only another fifteen minutes to get their lines of promo out, trick each other into some aegyo, and then the camera mercifully shuts off and the managing team slowly trickles out of the dorm.  
  
“Wow,” Youngjae laughs, sliding off the couch and waking up his laptop. “Jackson hyung’s out here doing a whole lapdance tonight.”  
  
“Are you going to go on ASC together next?” BamBam says with a syrupy giggle, watching Jackson bounce gleefully on Jaebum’s knee. “The _Jackbum_ Show?”  
  
Jinyoung nearly topples over as Mark abruptly gets up from the armchair and leaves the room, too swift for Jinyoung to catch his expression.  
  
Jinyoung slides into the warmth of the empty spot, feeling numb and confused. At least, Jackson has stopped bouncing, and Jaebum’s smile mellows out.  
  
“Am I so predictable?” Jackson sing-songs.  
  
“Hyung, can I be your next lover?” BamBam teases. “I know you’d treat me right.”  
  
Yugyeom makes a loud retching noise, flinging a pillow at BamBam’s face and laughing. Jackson winds his arm back around Jaebum’s neck as he leans on him and just waggles his eyebrows across the room. BamBam hugs the pillow to his chest as his chuckles subside.  
  
Jinyoung looks at Jaebum again, feeling strangely uncertain.  
  
Jaebum is smiling so softly, and he has his hand at Jackson's hip. Jinyoung watches his thumb move in small, gentle circles. Jinyoung's stomach lurches. He looks away again, lips tight in a line and full of confusion.  
  
Why does he feel this way? His chest is burning like his heart's been drenched in vinegar.  
  
They've all been affectionate, since the beginning. Jaebum and Jackson have seemed closer since moving in together, but it's not above and beyond the reasonable.  
  
Still, Jinyoung can picture Jaebum's thumb, even as he blinks stubbornly across the room. He focuses on the back of Youngjae's head, watches it silhouetted against the bright blur of a video game. Everything feels fragmented for a moment, and his eyes water as he tries not to look away.  
  
  
//  
  
  
Jinyoung tries to rationalize it. It’s not _just_ that Jaebum and Jackson seem more intimate than before. It’s natural in a group, for pairs to at times grow closer and in turn, others to grow more distant.  
  
And Jaebum and Jinyoung themselves have always had their seasons, spikes in abrupt, careless affection, and then, lulls of inactivity. They disagree often enough that it can affect their interactions in both public and private, the group well-adjusted to their ons and offs.  
  
Lately, Jaebum has stiffened under Jinyoung’s touches, and passive-aggressively, Jinyoung’s revoked his efforts entirely.  
  
Where the tension flares the most severely is Jinyoung’s perception of unfairness – Jaebum looks like he absolutely _melts_ into Jackson’s flirtations. There’s very little resistance, if at all, while he wears the widest, softest smile. And simultaneously, Jaebum literally pushes Jinyoung away.  
  
Jinyoung tries to rationalize it, the discomfort of it all. He’s sure it’s nothing serious. But it _hurts_ , and as he takes more time apart for filming and hosting responsibilities, it starts to feel like he’s splintering.  
  
He’s landed a substantial, second lead in a buzzy drama, and every article about him mentions he’s a _breakout_ star. The words start to take on a different meaning, like he’s tearing himself away from his place in GOT7.  
  
And sometimes, it even feels like he’s coming home to a different group – six separate people that function seamlessly without him.  
  
He knows it’s overdramatic, but try as he might, he can’t talk himself out of the bitter taste in his mouth. He can’t rationalize himself out of his own feelings.  
  
  
//  
  
  
But he really should try to mend things, he supposes. If only for the sake of the fans, the ones who wave lighted JJP slogans, the ones who cheer when they stand next to each other. And of course, the ones who’ve genuinely been around the longest - the ones who first supported JJ Project.  
  
The next time Jinyoung tries, he goes to wrap his arm around Jaebum and dance with him onstage at a fanmeeting. Jaebum’s whole body goes rigid with discomfort.  
  
“Stop,” Jaebum growls under his breath, bucking out of Jinyoung's grasp.  
  
“Stop _what_?” Jinyoung hisses back. “What crime am I committing?”  
  
Jaebum sends him stumbling back toward the signing tables, til Jinyoung feels the edge of one cutting into the back of his thigh. The crowd titters and cheers, thinking their roughhousing is just for play. They don't know how sour it feels.  
  
“Don't grind like that,” Jaebum says lowly, “you know how many pictures get taken of us and how they can look.” He strides away.  
  
“ _How_?” Jinyoung calls after him, goading. But Jaebum's on the other side of the stage by now, and Mark has pranced over to drape against him instead.  
  
“Wear this,” says Mark, laying a flower crown similar to his own over Jinyoung's already awkward collection of headbands. “Now we match.”  
  
“Couple crowns,” Mark cheerfully says into his ear, lips purposely brushing the lobe. The crowd squeals with delight. Jinyoung leans into his embrace, even as his stomach churns with fury, still feeling scorned from before.  
  
At least other skinship is easy, he thinks, lacing their fingers together and smiling close into Mark's face. Their noses nearly brush and genuine surprise flickers in Mark's eyes.  
  
Jinyoung turns away to giggle shyly into his hand, and the audience coos predictably. Mark cackles. Jinyoung lets his face sober behind his palm, eyes narrowing out as he sees Jaebum let Jackson tiptoe to backhug him, cheeks close over his broad shoulder.  
  
The queasiness in his stomach intensifies, feeling like a sick, writhing knot of nausea. Jinyoung clears his throat and turns back to Mark, who’s shooting a heart toward one of his fansites.  
  
_So many pictures_ , Jinyoung thinks to himself bitterly, and he plonks his head onto Mark’s shoulder. The sudden uptick in camera flashes nearly blinds him.  
  
  
//  
  
  
So they don't speak. It's almost too easy, Jinyoung apart for filming so often and Jaebum focused on every member besides him.  
  
It's simple, to ignore someone for a while. But they inevitably collide, orbits overlapping due to schedules. This time, it’s when the group finally gathers as one to pick through a dinner delivery.  
  
“Are you two fighting again?” It's Yugyeom who asks, although the rest of them barely bat an eye, practically choreographed as they all turn to look for Jinyoung and Jaebum's reactions.  
  
“Have you heard us fight?” Jaebum asks, but it's so brusque it's obviously defensive, and Yugyeom shrinks back slightly. BamBam shifts his own shoulder in front of Yugyeom’s and curls his lip defiantly at Jaebum in disapproval.  
  
“When Yugyeom and I yell at each other,” he says, “at least we work it out. We get it over with.”  
  
Neither Jaebum nor Jinyoung respond.  
  
“You two seem to have the same fight every couple of months,” Jackson chips in, pointing with his chopsticks. Jinyoung wants to slap them out of his hand. “And it keeps happening because you don't even talk. To each other, or us.”  
  
“Maybe we could help?” Youngjae offers, and Jinyoung sees Jaebum soften his expression. Typical.  
  
“It's not a fight,” Jaebum says to him. His voice sounds like honey, and Jinyoung has to physically turn away to hide the irritation brewing in his face.  
  
“It looks like a fight,” says Mark blithely, tugging at Jinyoung's elbow.  
  
Jinyoung wants to yank away, but it reminds him of how Jaebum has acted, so instead he leans into the touch, looping his fingers around Mark’s wrist and pouting.  
  
“I'm giving him space,” says Jinyoung, voice artificially light as he looks Jaebum in the eye and decides to prod. “He was mad when I danced with him at the last fanmeeting, said he doesn't want to give anybody the wrong impression.”  
  
Jaebum’s gaze ices over.  
  
The group is uncharacteristically quiet for a moment, as one by one, they process the thought into matching frowns.  
  
“ _What_??” Jackson wonders loudly. “What kind of impression?”  
  
“Hyung,” Youngjae laughs awkwardly, even as Jaebum's jaw sets in place.  
  
Jackson wraps his arm around Jaebum's neck, and Jaebum lets him, but he looks a little flustered. The soft pink at the tips of his ears makes Jinyoung see red.  
  
He turns away again, lips tightly pursed.  
  
“Hyung, we all look a little silly sometimes,” Jackson says to Jaebum sweetly, and Jinyoung stubbornly refuses to lift his eyes and see how they probably glow at one another.  
  
_Ever since they became roommates_ , he thinks, dizzily. _Maybe they’re more than roommates now_ , comes the next unbidden thought, and he grips hard at Mark's wrist unconsciously. What is this feeling? Why is he so upset about it?  
  
It's none of his business.  
  
Mark tugs away slightly but stares at Jinyoung curiously, trying to read his downcast face, before turning back to the group.  
  
“So then, Jackson's special, right?” Mark says, voice slick. “You're letting him rub all over you right now. Why’s he any different from our Jinyoung?”  
  
“Mark,” says Jackson’s voice, but Jinyoung can’t bring himself to look up to see anyone’s reactions. There’s a thick, heavy pause in the sounds of eating, as everyone seems to slow to watch.  
  
Jinyoung's breath picks up, feeling dizzy. Jackson is different, he realizes. Jackson is special to Jaebum now, and the thought makes Jinyoung uncomfortable.  
  
He hasn't quite figured out why when Mark tugs him out of the kitchen entirely.  
  
They settle with their meals in his room, and they eat under a heavy blanket of silence. Jinyoung can't finish his noodles. He stares at the tangled heap in disgust, feeling ashamed of himself. He has absolutely no reason, no right to be so uncomfortable about Jaebum and Jackson getting closer.  
  
Jackson creeps in as Mark is stacking their dishes up, clambers onto the bed beside Jinyoung and takes his hand. “Are you upset with me?” He asks, and Jinyoung can’t quite say no.  
  
“I just don’t understand the _difference_ ,” Jinyoung offers, voice strained as he tries to keep it simple. “Between you and me.”  
  
Jackson nods fervently. “There isn’t one! I think he was probably just grumpy that day. And now he’s too proud to apologize,” he offers.  
  
Mark tsks from Jinyoung’s other side, and they both look up at him in surprise.  
  
“There is definitely a difference. I don’t know what it is but you shouldn’t lie to make him feel better, Jackson. You’ve got Jaebum wrapped around your little finger. Ever since you two moved in together–,” he starts, and Jackson interrupts with a sharp sigh, dropping Jinyoung’s hand.  
  
“I’m not the one who wanted to change rooms,” Jackson says, sounding tired. “You and Youngjae wanted to try and share, okay. So now what? I make it work with Jaebum and everyone is upset at me?”  
  
“Is that what you do? Make it _work_?” Mark asks quietly, and Jinyoung tries to steady his breath.  
  
Jackson looks genuinely offended. “What are you trying to imply? I’ve got to be seducing him, for him to be comfortable around me?”  
  
Jinyoung tries to stand to leave, but Jackson grabs his arm and holds him back. “Jinyoung-ah, it’s not like that.”  
  
“It could be,” Mark says smoothly, and Jinyoung doesn’t like the pitch of his voice.  
  
“It’s _not_ ,” says Jackson, gripping Jinyoung’s thigh with his other hand to keep him in place. He continues to address him rather than Mark. “It’s not like that. It’s never felt like that. I touch you, too. And everybody.”  
  
“You don’t _want_ it to be like that?” Mark goads, and Jinyoung feels sick to hear Mark be this sharp, to be this merciless to Jackson of all people. His words feel like a surgeon’s scalpel, peeling layers away with a precision that gives nothing of his own feelings away.  
  
Jinyoung is frustrated beyond words, but he realizes he holds no ill will towards Jackson – he’s just jealous. And he’ll get over it, he assures himself.  
  
“No, I don’t want that,” says Jackson firmly.  
  
Mark hums and shrugs, looking like this answer was far from final. “Okay then,” he drawls, linking his elbow through Jinyoung’s and leaning heavily against him.  
  
Jinyoung bites his lip and tries not to move away. The atmosphere feels noxious, and Jinyoung feels suddenly dizzy. He’s _jealous_ , he accepts abruptly. He feels this way because he’s jealous, of the attention Jaebum lavishes on Jackson. And whatever the nature of that attention really is, he’s not quite sure. But he _is_ jealous, and it makes him feel sick with guilt.  
  
“He was probably just grumpy,” Jackson repeats.  
  
Jinyoung tries to focus on evening out his breath before shifting uncomfortably with a sigh. “Jackson,” he says crisply, shutting his eyes. “Do you think I don't know what a grumpy Im Jaebum looks like?”  
  
Jackson doesn't respond.  
  
  
//  
  
  
Jaebum is aware there’s a problem. And like a wound that starts to fester with infection, he knows looking away from it won’t fix it. It’s got to be confronted and cleaned, and bandaged to help it heal. Instead, he and Jinyoung look away, and the trust between them rots.  
  
They're both reading in the living room after taping for a CF ran especially late. BamBam is flopped between them on the couch, watching a mindless variety show on low volume. The murmurs from an _ohhh_ ing audience flood the room with comforting white noise.  
  
Once BamBam has had his fill of tired chuckles, he flicks the TV off, wiggles out of his seat and looks at them judgmentally.  
  
“I’m going to bed,” he announces, with a dramatic flip of his bangs. “Which means, you two will be all alone, and _maybe_ , who knows, you could finally work your issue out.”  
  
Jaebum raises his eyebrows and lowers his book, visibly clenching a fist in his lap. BamBam blinks at it rapidly.  
  
“Sleep well, _hyungs_ ~!” BamBam’s tone is suddenly sweet and light, like cotton candy. “I’ll leave first,” he trills, spinning and prancing out of the room.  
  
Jaebum lets his hand relax, but his book stays flapped shut. He glances sideways as Jinyoung neatly stows his own on an end table and sips calmly at his tea. The herbal aroma wafting comfortingly around them, and Jaebum considers, _maybe_ , who knows. They could finally work their issues out.  
  
“I’ll start,” he says, pausing to clear his throat. “I’m sorry,” he grits out. “I’m sorry, but _you know_ I don’t like it.”  
  
Jinyoung blinks wide, skeptical eyes. “Is this supposed to be an apology?” He asks, lowering his steaming mug.  
  
“You know I don't like it,” Jaebum mumbles, insistent. “You know I don't enjoy skinship for fan service like other people. It's not my style.”  
  
Jinyoung mouths a sarcastic _Ohh_ at him like he's in a variety audience, eyes going narrow and downright nasty. “Not your style,” he scoffs, turning away for a moment. When he turns back, he looks especially exhausted.  
  
“It's difficult,” Jaebum adds, after a beat. “It's not that I never do it, I just don't _like_ it.”  
  
They're both silent for a moment, really looking at one another for the first time in weeks. Jinyoung's face has gone blank, which intimidates Jaebum much more than when it was sneering a moment ago.  
  
Jinyoung stares, unreadably, and Jaebum holds his gaze with what he hopes comes across as sincerity.  
  
“I just don't understand,” Jinyoung says, quietly. “Why all of that _difficult_ skinship looks so easy for you with Jackson.”  
  
Jaebum blinks, and thinks of a dozen responses at once. _It's easy because I don't have to think about all the times I've let you down. It's easy because he's not rumored to be leaving soon. It's easy because I don't think about his lips._  
  
“It's easy because he's not you,” slips out of Jaebum’s mouth.  
  
The weight of the words seems to crash down on Jinyoung's entire body all at once, and his lips drop open silently, eyes wobbling.  
  
Jaebum can see it happening, how Jinyoung's heart seems to seize, even as he doesn't say a word. How his breath comes out choppy like his lungs are faltering.  
  
But Jaebum feels suddenly frozen mute, can't clarify his words. He realizes, out of his inner context, how malicious it would come across.  
  
Jinyoung just nods, quickly and stiffly, and gathers his book and mug in a hurry, hot tea sloshing over his knuckles as he stands to leave. Jaebum watches the skin blossom red as it’s burned, but Jinyoung doesn't make a sound, and Jaebum can't bring himself to do a thing about it. Then Jinyoung has slipped out of the room and out of his grasp.  
  
He doesn't hear anything from him for another week, Jinyoung very adept at withholding even the sound of his voice, every glance of his eyes.  
  
  
//  
  
  
“I'm always nervous when he does so well,” Jaebum blurts into the microphone, and although his throat feels tight, his smile stays neatly in place. “I keep thinking Jinyoung will leave us for acting, for good.”  
  
The hosts titter, some of the audience chuckling as well, but Jaebum feels each of his members glance at him in varying shades of surprise, shock, and horror. Something shifts out of place, heavily.  
  
No one replies to the comment, Jackson steering them into a bout of praising Jinyoung's acting instead, and then the rest of the segment moves smoothly. But distantly, Jaebum is certain he's done something wrong.  
  
When they crowd into their vans, it's still quiet, but he feels even BamBam’s judgmental gaze. Jaebum locks his jaw, stays silent.  
  
Back at their dorm, Jackson tugs him aside, Yugyeom hovering beside them as well. Mark brushes past without even looking at him, lip curled with distaste.  
  
“You can't joke about that,” Yugyeom blurts out.  
  
“You tell your hyungs what to do, now?” Jaebum counters, neck prickling in irritation.  
  
Jackson folds a flustered Yugyeom under his arm, waves his hand warningly. “He’s not, he's not! He's just saying, _hyung_ ,” he says softly. “We don't usually joke about _breaking up_ , like that.”  
  
Jaebum lets his eyebrow twitch angrily, backs up into the wall, feeling cornered and flustered and full of nervous energy.  
  
“But that's what everyone is _saying_ ,” he growls. “That's what Jinyoung's _agent_ is hinting, and Soompi, and Dispatch—,” his throat feels blocked suddenly.  
  
“But, what is Jinyoung hyung saying?” Yugyeom asks, voice trembling. Jaebum realizes suddenly how much it upsets him. Remembers how tender Yugyeom still is.  
  
“I haven't—,” and Jaebum actually gulps. “We haven't been talking.”  
  
“So,” Jackson says gruffly. “He's been hearing that he's leaving — from Soompi, and Dispatch, and now his own leader.”  
  
“His own friend,” Yugyeom mumbles.  
  
“How long is it now?” Jackson wonders. “Has it been almost 8 years?”  
  
“Shut up,” Jaebum says weakly, feeling like he's been punched in the solar plexus. Breathless, he blinks down the hall, staring at Jinyoung's silent door.  
  
“I didn't mean it seriously,” he whispers.  
  
“Okay,” says Jackson, voice gentle around him like a soft blanket. “But why not try talking to him? I think he'd appreciate it.”  
  
Jaebum stares at the door, looking imposing at the end of the hall. He stays silent.  
  
“Just say – whatever it is you want to say,” Yugyeom blurts out. “Whatever it is you’re feeling. Like a man.”  
  
Jaebum’s chest feels tight, and he feels seasick. He can’t say it. He absolutely can’t. He hasn’t said it to himself and he certainly shouldn’t say it to Jinyoung. Won't it ruin everything?  
  
“It doesn’t matter if it hurts a little to say it,” Jackson adds. “Not saying anything always hurts so much worse.”  
  
Jaebum glances at him, sees the gleam of sympathetic pain in his eyes. Jackson understands. Jaebum grabs his neck softly, nods. Maybe it is time to face things like a man – if only to shut Yugyeom up.  
  
He moves towards Jinyoung’s room slowly, feet feeling heavy. The wood paneling of the door looks ominous in its whitewash – a blank slate with no omens, good or bad.  
  
Jaebum softly knocks, and then opens the door and steps in without waiting for a response.  
  
Jinyoung looks up over his shoulder, eyes bright and startled. He's sprawled out on his belly in bed, reading in the light of his narrow window. Jaebum’s eyes trace his form, and it takes him a moment to fully process Jinyoung is wearing nothing but an oversized t-shirt and briefs.  
  
The swell of his bottom peeks out from under the hem, underpants hitched slightly up with the lazy bend of one curled, bare knee.  
  
Jaebum swallows loudly. Everyone in the group has seen one another near naked, if not starkly nude. But this scene feels pointedly different, and he’s surprised by the sudden, raw sensuality of Jinyoung’s body.  
  
Jinyoung flushes, embarrassed, and shifts around so he's sitting upright, tugging his shirt farther down over his lap.  
  
Jaebum tries to pretend it doesn't draw his attention even further, tries not to notice the way the seams of his trunks wrinkle and relax with each shift, the way his hair grows densest and darkest where his thighs meet, the emphasized curve of his hip as his bottom spreads where he sits.  
  
“I’m sorry!” Jaebum blurts out, tearing his eyes back to Jinyoung’s face.  
  
Jinyoung looks a little bewildered, if not suspicious. “Is this another supposed apology? Sorry for _what_?” He asks.  
  
“For saying _because he isn't you_ , without thinking about how it sounded.” Jaebum lets out a shaky breath.  
  
“How was it _supposed_ to sound?” Jinyoung asks, an edge to his voice.  
  
“You,” Jaebum sighs, shifting uncomfortably for a moment. “You feel, _different_ , to me.”  
  
“From Jackson?” Jinyoung asks, and he sounds tired. “I know,” he nods. “Hyung, you don't have to apologize — I understand you two have something special, I can't make you apologize for it. And I know it must be hard to try and hide it.”  
  
Jaebum blinks once, twice as the words seem to settle. He lets out a sigh and shakes his head just slightly. “We don't have anything going on, Jinyoung, it's not like that. We got closer, sure, but it's still not — I'm not!” He trails off as feels more and more defensive.  
  
“You're not what?” Jinyoung asks, tone steady, but he leans forward a bit, arms braced on his bed beside his bare legs. Jaebum can see, he's holding all of his tension there, arms veined, knuckles piercing white with their grip.  
  
Jinyoung is nervous, too, and for some reason, Jaebum finds this reassuring. “I'm not _with_ Jackson,” He says.  
  
“Okay,” Jinyoung says, still not particularly impressed.  
  
“I don't see him in that way,” Jaebum elaborates, and grits his teeth for a moment. “We’re just friends.”  
  
Jinyoung just nods slowly, but his face is softening, as if Jaebum is starting to sound truthful. Jaebum desperately wants him to take him seriously, to feel his sincerity.  
  
“I meant _you're_ different,” Jaebum says, moving forward before he can stop himself, kneeling in front of him, hands moving to clasp around the curve of his calves. Jinyoung's legs are soft, littered with sparse hair that feels vividly different under his fingers as he trails them up, and Jaebum watches Jinyoung’s pupils dilate.  
  
“I meant, you make me feel different, when we do that stuff. And it’s embarrassing for me, sometimes?” He says, sounding unsure even to himself.  
  
“Embarrassing,” Jinyoung repeats, and Jaebum watches his ears turn red.  
  
“Because when somebody else, like Jackson touches me, or Youngjae touches me, I don’t think the same kind of thoughts,” admits Jaebum. Jinyoung is frozen, face now fully flushed.  
  
“What kind of thoughts?” he wonders, voice quivering.  
  
“When you touch me,” Jaebum continues, but with a voice gone low, husky. Jinyoung wants to nuzzle into the sound. “It’s like when a girl touches me.”  
  
“You think of me,” Jinyoung murmurs, brows creased in confusion. “Like a girl?”  
  
“No, not like, you don’t look like one – I don’t know,” Jaebum stutters, but his hands keep moving up Jinyoung's legs, following the sinew, and he chases the tension up the sides to his hips as he leans in.  
  
He finds the fabric of Jinyoung's underwear, and Jinyoung can feel the heat of his grip through the thin cotton. Jaebum doesn't seem aware he's curling his fingers into sides and the waistband, gripping and gathering the fabric tight.  
  
“But it feels like a girl I'm attracted to. Like I want to _touch_ you,” Jaebum says. “I’ve only thought that way about women. It’s _that_ way. It’s all I can compare it to.”  
  
Jinyoung stays silent, eyes wide.  
  
“I don't know,” Jaebum repeats, face looking naked with vulnerability. “I know it sounds weird. But it feels like, everyday, you’re getting farther and farther away, with acting or anything. Everything takes you away, and I don't want to you to leave me. I want you by my side.”  
  
Jinyoung opens his mouth to respond, and Jaebum watches the tension in his shoulders as he twists a bit, seems to shy away from his touch. Instead, Jaebum’s fingers follow him further, digging deep into his hips.  
  
“I pushed you away,” Jaebum admits. “Because I'm scared of finding out what happens if we get too close. Of what happens if I make you mine.”  
  
A beat passes between them.  
  
“I can’t be your woman,” Jinyoung points out hoarsely. “If that’s how you’ve been thinking about it, because it’s the only comparison you can make, please don’t. And if it's because you're uncomfortable that I'm a man, don't do this at all.”  
  
Jaebum shifts nervously, but he hangs his head and nods.  
  
“I’m always going to feel _different_ ,” Jinyoung says, tracing a finger over Jaebum's Adam's apple, eliciting a shiver as he looks back up. “It’s never going to be like it is with a girl.”  
  
“But hyung,” Jinyoung lets his hand stay at Jaebum’s neck, clasps it around the angle of his jaw. “I can stay by you, if that's what you want. I want it, too.”  
  
Jaebum nods more resolutely, eyes locked with Jinyoung’s. He’s grateful to feel their depth and warmth again, after going so long avoiding them.  
  
“It’s felt like you were getting further away too,” Jinyoung agrees. “I felt you pushing. When you started your solo music, I was – I felt so sick. I was sure, once you’d finally done something on your own, _without me_ , you’d feel liberated. You’d realize we don’t need each other.”  
  
Jaebum frowns. “Well, we don’t need each other for all our projects,” he says. “I mean, you don’t _need_ me for acting, obviously. You’ve gone a little farther since Dream Knight.”  
  
Jinyoung can’t help the snort, pulling his hand back to clasp it shyly over his smiling mouth.  
  
“But I _want_ you. I want you, Jinyoungie.” Jaebum says, earnestly. Jinyoung lets his hand drop, even as his mouth falls open slightly.  
  
They stare at each other for another few minutes, completely in silence.  
  
“Do you forgive me, then? Can we go back to how things were before?” Jaebum asks, straightening himself up a bit so his weight balances on his knees, so he can look more level into Jinyoung's eyes.  
  
There's another pause, as they both seem to process what he asks. They both realize, their relationship can’t really go back to how it used to be. Not with the admission he's made. Not with his hands locked onto Jinyoung's hips like this.  
  
But maybe, they can agree on letting it evolve. Maybe they can loosen the restraints they’ve built up, and see exactly where it will take them.  
  
Jinyoung clears his throat and nods, and Jaebum realizes how close their faces are as he feels the puff of breath on his own cheek.  
  
Jinyoung is quiet, but his breathing is loud, ragged as Jaebum draws even closer to his face. Jinyoung swallows heavily, and Jaebum’s eyes dart to catch the bob of his Adam’s apple.  
  
Jinyoung tucks his lips in, a nervous habit that Jaebum often teasingly imitates. Jaebum does it even now, and they both smile goofily at each other for a moment, lips hidden. Jaebum’s face draws closer still.  
  
Jinyoung lets himself fully smile, then, the pout of his lips springing back, and Jaebum nearly goes cross-eyed as he immediately fixates on them.  
  
Jinyoung’s smile wavers as he sees Jaebum’s mouth part slightly, his head tilting just opposite of Jinyoung’s angle. There's something new here, something crackling between them.  
  
But the door slams open and the moment dissolves with Yugyeom’s piercing voice. “Hyung, let’s go to that bookstore you like!”  
  
Jinyoung leans back from Jaebum swiftly. Jaebum is slower to move. His hands untangle from Jinyoung's briefs and pat the mattress on either side of him as casually as he can manage, standing up and moving away.  
  
Mark has appeared in the doorway as well. And while Yugyeom bounces onto the bed blissfully unaware, Mark is staring at Jaebum in shock.  
  
Jinyoung tugs his shirt down further and then knits his fingers anxiously together over his knee, and Mark clears his throat, suspicious eyes sliding over his appearance. “Yugyeomie and I wanted to take you out, to cheer you up.”  
  
“It has nothing to do with that dessert place next to the bookstore, with the choco shakes you rave about?” Jinyoung easily switches gears, teasing Yugyeom.  
  
“Ayyy,” Yugyeom ducks his head with a guilty grin, “we just thought it would be nice to get out for a bit.”  
  
Jaebum feels grateful as the tone shifts, even though Mark's eyes are still darting about.  
  
“Did you two,” Mark says suddenly, gesturing between them. “Did you guys make up?”  
  
They're both silent for a beat, but Jinyoung nods, and Jaebum mirrors him once again.  
  
“Nice,” says Mark, voice flat. He looks at Jinyoung for a long moment, seemingly gauging his sincerity. “Maybe you should put some pants on?”  
  
  
//  
  
  
The following week, they have a rare afternoon off, and everyone tries to unwind. Jackson is leaned up against Jinyoung on the couch. Jinyoung flips through a book, Jackson idly perusing his phone.  
  
Jinyoung is grateful to have mended things at least somewhat, so he can relish in quiet closeness like this, without any of the strange bitterness from before. Jackson is still one of his closest friends in the group, and he doesn’t want to lose his open mind or his sweet attentions.  
  
Mark slides into the room looking relaxed at first, but he stops short, eyes wavering.  
  
Jinyoung feels Jackson tense slightly beside him.  
  
“Can I talk to Jinyoung?” Mark asks, voice crisp and even as he leans against the doorframe.  
  
“Mark,” Jackson says, with a hint of pleading. “Do you have to keep doing this?”  
  
“Please,” says Mark. “I’d like some space.”  
  
Jackson grits his teeth, but gets up and leaves, and Jinyoung just watches, bewildered.  
  
“What is—what _was that_?” Jinyoung murmurs, as Mark calmly sinks into Jackson's emptied seat, nestles into his side.  
  
“Let’s trade,” suggests Mark. “First, you can tell me what you and Jaebum were doing yesterday, alone with your half-naked ass.”  
  
“He just wanted to apologize,” Jinyoung says, narrowing his eyes. “And I was fully clothed.”  
  
“Oh, did they style you in pretty little panties for Inkigayo?” Mark quips.  
  
“Stop,” Jinyoung says suddenly, unsure about the edge in Mark's voice. “All of you barged into my room without knocking. If I wanted to read fully nude, upside down in a swing, it still wouldn’t have been any of your business.”  
  
“Jaebum was grabbing you,” Mark says.  
  
“Not like… _that_ ,” Jinyoung protests. But he feels his ears heat up, and Mark’s quick eyes flicker aside and back with a smirk.  
  
“Okay,” says Mark. “Let me go first instead, and then maybe you'll feel better about sharing.”  
  
Jinyoung bristles at this, shutting his eyes and his book with a huff.  
  
“Jackson and I dated,” Mark says blithely, and Jinyoung's eyes snap back open immediately. Before he can sputter in surprise, Mark waves him off.  
  
“I don't know how we hid it,” he says with a funny, sideways smile. “I mean, everybody let us hype up Markson so much, I guess we thought we were the luckiest boys in the world.”  
  
Jinyoung stares blankly, trying to wrap his head around it.  
  
“We still _are_ lucky, I guess,” Mark sighs. “Since nobody ever found out, before or after.”  
  
Jinyoung stays silent.  
  
“I broke up with _him_ ,” says Mark. “I thought he was bored. I thought he—I thought he would leave me, or worse. And I didn't want to be the one that got hurt. Because somebody always gets hurt.”  
  
Jinyoung frowns, understanding the anxiety, but having difficulty imagining Jackson hurting Mark – or anyone. There's a long pause.  
  
“I got Youngjae to switch rooms.” Mark says, swallowing heavily. “And then, it was like _I made it happen_. I was so scared Jackson would find somebody new, that I accidentally made it happen. I had no idea it would happen so fast, and I never thought it would be Jaebum.”  
  
Jinyoung watches Mark's face twist in disappointment, his own heart wrenching along with it. Had Jackson and Jaebum lied, then? Was Mark just less naive?  
  
“I'm sorry,” says Mark. “I should've told you about it all.”  
  
“They both said,” Jinyoung murmurs. “They both said it wasn't like that.”  
  
Mark stares up blankly at him from where he's leaned against his shoulder, clearly skeptical. “Okay,” he says, voice dull.  
  
“Mark,” Jinyoung says, taking his hand. “I'm really sorry, and I know it doesn't make it hurt less, even if you find out it didn't happen that way. But they both said, nothing ever happened.”  
  
A beat passes, silence heavy between them.  
  
“You think I don't know?” Mark says, an edge of challenge in his tone. “Remember when Jackson said, Jaebum was just grumpy, and you just shut your eyes. You shut your eyes and sighed, and said: you think I don't know a grumpy Im Jaebum?”  
  
Jinyoung bites down hard on his lower lip.  
  
“I know what Jackson looks like,” says Mark slowly. “When he _wants_ somebody.”  
  
Jinyoung's stomach twists, and he feels a wave of nausea crashing down around him.  
  
“So maybe, maybe they haven't done anything yet.” Mark says. “They would be honest with you, I believe that. But I know,” he says lowly. “I know Jackson likes him.”  
  
“Oh,” Jinyoung's voice wobbles, and he blinks rapidly, looking away. Maybe that explained how all of the flirting felt so real. It _was_ real, at least on one side.  
  
“I gave him up,” Mark whispers, and Jinyoung glances back at him to see his eyes glazed, trembling. “And Jaebum was there.”  
  
Jinyoung's breath hitches slightly at the sight, wraps a gentle hand around the back of his neck and hugs him. Mark folds into his embrace sloppily, breath shaky.  
  
“I don't know what's in Jackson's heart,” Jinyoung says, after a while. “I understand you think you know, but — he seems like he really wants to talk to you.”  
  
Mark sniffles as he pulls off of Jinyoung's shoulder, wipes his face on his sleeve. “I can't imagine he has anything left to say.”  
  
Jinyoung's mouth feels sour, but he doesn't try to argue, knows Mark can be stubborn.  
  
“I don't know, if something's happening with you and Jaebum,” Mark rattles on. “I know you two have always had, some kind of um, tension. But I think it’s been too _long_ , and I think Jackson _deserves_ him, and —,”  
  
Jinyoung jolts upright, dislodging Mark from his shoulder. He stops talking, forced to regain his balance. Jinyoung gawps at him.  
  
“You came in here to tell me, to _let_ Jackson _have_ him? As if Jaebum's some kind of… bandage for you breaking Jackson's heart? A consolation prize?” Jinyoung chokes out, disbelieving.  
  
“I want him to be happy,” Mark says.  
  
“Then _listen to him!_ ” Jinyoung exclaims, and Mark shrinks away from him, eyes wavering.  
  
With a sigh, he untangles himself from Jinyoung's side and stands to leave. “Just think about what I said,” he says.  
  
Jinyoung heaves a matching sigh as he hears Mark’s bedroom door slamming shut down the hall.  
  
  
//  
  
  
It's just a game. The fanmeetings have had them play musical chairs, clobber each other with foam swords, all sorts of madness. This time they're teasing a blindfolded BamBam with call and response as he tries to tag them.  
  
Jinyoung is passing quickly in front of Jaebum, and an elbow from Yugyeom has him hastily ambling backward in a blind stumble.  
  
Jaebum catches him, holds him back against his chest to steady him, one hand settling low on his belly, another loose at his hip. His breath hits the back of Jinyoung's ear, and Jinyoung tries not to notice.  
  
But in the same instant, Jaebum's hand sweeps up his abdomen, brushing across Jinyoung's chest. Jinyoung assumes it's meant as a comforting gesture, after the dull impact.  
  
But Jaebum's thumb catches against the edge of a nipple on his broad stroke upward. And instead of immediately separating, Jinyoung feels his other hand tighten its grip at his hipbone, and Jaebum's thumb brushes back down across his nipple again, pressing deliberately, and the nub stiffens sharply.  
  
Jinyoung chokes out an involuntary noise as he yanks himself out of Jaebum's grip.  
  
He plasters his best smile on, rushing to chase after a stumbling BamBam.  
  
Hours later in the safe cocoon of his bedding, he hastily swipes through his social network mentions, wondering if there's a fancam with the right angle. It doesn't take long, and he stares in horror as a clip of the video loops it continuously.  
  
There's a flood of ahgases reacting with sweaty emoji and questionable English phrases Jinyoung doesn't want to look up. A post in one of the threads clamors in defense: “JB didn’t do it on purpose, u perverts!” Someone replied to it with an animated gif that zooms in on Jaebum’s thumb, flicking over and over.  
  
It still seems reasonably ambiguous, even to Jinyoung. Jaebum's face in the video doesn't change expression, and the actual moment is so fast it could still have been just your basic everyday jostle.  
  
Except Jinyoung has been jostled hundreds of times before, handled by his members similarly, even teasingly, and he’s never had it keep him from falling asleep.  
  
It's the knowledge of Jaebum's confession that makes it come alive - his whole body feels electrified by the mere thought of it. Skin hot and buzzing, he lays completely still and hopes his exhaustion will eventually win out.  
  
  
//  
  
  
Jinyoung’s been filming all day – MCing in the morning, a part of their upcoming MV through the evening, and scenes for his drama until late at night.  
  
He's surprised to find the boys still awake, drinking and playing a board game sloppily. He changes into sweats quickly and hurries out to join them, the warmth of the scene irresistible despite his fatigue.  
  
“That's cheating,” Youngjae is moaning, but there's no energy behind it, and Yugyeom snickers as he counts out extra cards for BamBam.  
  
Jinyoung sinks into the only available spot on the couch with some trepidation, between Jaebum and Youngjae.  
  
Jaebum surprises him by placing a gentle hand on his thigh, and Jinyoung sneaks a sidelong glance when the game gets louder with contention once more.  
  
Jackson is pressed up against Jaebum's other side, arm slung around the back of the couch. Jinyoung wonders how warm it is, if his skin is tingling from the proximity with Jaebum's neck — wonders if it's similar to how Jaebum's hand on Jinyoung's thigh feels like it's burning through the cotton.  
  
Jinyoung’s heart twists uncomfortably, feeling guilty for being touched in front of Jackson and then chides himself for overthinking it.  
  
“Jinyoungie,” Jaebum says lowly, tilting his head toward him with a sigh. Jinyoung shifts with a startle, finally lets himself face him.  
  
“Can you work out my neck?” Jaebum rumbles, head drooping forward. “All that suspension cable stuff for the video has been crazy.”  
  
Jinyoung reaches up and then freezes for a moment, staring at where Jackson's arm drapes in convenient reach of Jaebum's neck. Jinyoung blinks across Jaebum's bent head, and then swallows hard as Jackson looks up at him, smiling and tugging his arm out of the way.  
  
Jinyoung doesn't want to hover any longer, nervous to draw any extra attention, so he digs his fingers into the nape of Jaebum's neck.  
  
The noise it elicits from Jaebum is sinful, a deep moan that hits Jinyoung low in his gut. Suddenly he's hyper-aware of his own breathing, shuddering and uneven.  
  
Still, no one else seems to notice, Jackson and Mark tapping away at their phones, the younger boys still squabbling over rules.  
  
Jinyoung takes a deep breath and lets himself relax, focusing on his task. He kneads his fingers deeper into the mess of knots at Jaebum's shoulders, flutters them back up his spine like the keys of a piano.  
  
Jaebum melts under his fingertips, skin going hot and muscles slack. His shoulders bow forward and his eyes flutter shut, grunting softly, fingers still curled snug into Jinyoung's thigh.  
  
The quiet build of their body heat feels suddenly tangible, a shiver running through Jinyoung to where the warmth pools in his groin. Jaebum lets out another broken noise and Jinyoung feels it so acutely he can imagine his breath ghosting over his cock.  
  
Jinyoung yanks his hand back at the unbidden thought, tries to downplay a gasp. Why is Jaebum’s every move affecting him this way? He’s fallen too quickly – Jaebum planted the suggestion of desire, and it’s blooming all around them.  
  
Jaebum's eyes open slowly, as he straightens up and turns to stare at Jinyoung. His looks drowsy, lids hooded low, but his gaze feels searing, hot like an open flame.  
  
Jinyoung clutches self-consciously at his shirt, as if he's afraid of it being burnt off. “I'm actually going to bed,” he says, voice wavering.  
  
With this inelegant declaration, he stands, risking another glance at the others. But Jackson’s sucked into a mobile game on his screen, tongue between his teeth, and Youngjae is still bemoaning the injustices of Yugyeom being dealer.  
  
A final sweep of the room does find Mark squinting at him from the corner. But as soon their eyes meet, Mark blinks away, a tiny frown line between his eyebrows the only indication he’s noticed Jinyoung with Jaebum.  
  
Jinyoung rushes away to his bedroom, prickly and uneasy.  
  
He leans against his door as he shuts it behind him, tries to focus on the muffled cityscape sounds beyond his little window to calm down.  
  
But the door opens against him, and he stumbles forward a bit before turning in alarm. It's Jaebum, and his heartbeat takes off at a gallop once again.  
  
“Can you get my back, too?” Jaebum asks, after a moment. He shuts and locks the door behind him.  
  
“Can’t Jackson…?” Jinyoung blurts out.  
  
Jaebum frowns in confusion, tilting his head in silent question.  
  
“I mean, isn’t Jackson better at massage?” Jinyoung tries again. “All those years with sports therapists and stuff.”  
  
“I want you,” Jaebum says blithely, shouldering past him to flop onto Jinyoung’s bed. Jinyoung turns and stares, blushing at his broad back. Jaebum’s face nuzzles into Jinyoung’s own pillow. It will smell like him, Jinyoung thinks with a frown.  
  
“Come on,” Jaebum says, peeking back over his shoulder. “Don’t make your hyung beg for it.”  
  
Jinyoung hesitates just another moment, before clambering onto the bed with him, gingerly settling astride the small of his back.  
  
“Am I too heavy?” He asks quietly, hands moving to the nape of Jaebum's neck.  
  
Jaebum snorts and shakes his head with a sigh. “Prince Jinyoung? Of course not,” he murmurs.  
  
Jinyoung flicks him in the back of the ear for this, but digs into his tense shoulders diligently anyhow.  
  
There's surprisingly less tension here, even in a locked room, on his bed, with Jaebum's warm form fitting between his thighs. Mostly, it feels comfortable, a rightness that Jinyoung hasn't associated with Jaebum for a long while.  
  
It reminds him of their time predebut, even before JJ Project, as trainees. When he and Jaebum were barely beginning to understand each other — and themselves.  
  
When they shared a cramped room with fellow trainees, it could get a little volatile. Jinyoung tried very hard to balance with Jaebum, tried to be at once a cheerful little dongsaeng as expected, and mature enough for Jaebum to respect him.  
  
But Jinyoung struggled with his role, often pushing the boundaries and intentionally irritating Jaebum. More than anything, Jinyoung wanted to be Jaebum's equal.  
  
He'd been desperate for Jaebum to see him at all, sometimes instigated fights in hopes of Jaebum snapping at him, so he'd at least speak to him. Hoped he would grab him by the nape of the neck, so he'd at least touch him.  
  
When they would eventually make up, their times at peace were like this – wordless and warm. Jinyoung hadn’t realized how much he’d missed it, how much he had tried to seek out something similar from others.  
  
But it’s different now, knowing Jaebum wants him. Coming to terms with the fact that he wants Jaebum too. He doesn’t have to hide the yearning away.  
  
So Jinyoung works away at the tension in his shoulders with a soft smile, hands moving under the collar of his shirt deftly. Content with the idea that as they rebuild trust, they can also build something new.  
  
It’s not long until Jaebum’s breath is deep and even, and he shifts beneath him with a soft noise. Jinyoung slips off his back with a sigh, Jaebum rolling over lazily and offering the inside of his arm as another pillow.  
  
Jinyoung hesitates for a moment before letting himself relax beside him, slipping into the space Jaebum creates for him beside the wall, taking an offered hand. Jinyoung thinks drowsily about how they’re recreating a space for one another in their lives. A small, secret space like this.  
  
Jinyoung doesn’t remember exactly when and how they fall asleep that night, together, in his bed. He’s dizzy with the realization of how far they've already progressed, and how far they're willing to go. Hand in hand.  
  
  
**//**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Alert: ] you may have already read this! I wrote it as a gift for Fullmoonrises, during the Got-Hyung Fic Exchange, on Livejournal. I'm crossposting it here so I can get all my fic neatly in one place.
> 
> Original note: I started this before we heard anything about the new dorm, and that everybody except Yugbam has their own rooms. So it's a little less canon. This slips around in POV and pace quite a bit, but I hope it still satisfies. Enjoy :)

**//**  
  
  
He doesn't remember falling asleep, but he relishes waking up. It’s deliciously warm. It’s been too long since Jinyoung shared a bed, overnight. He and Mark and Jackson have napped everywhere, but Jinyoung relishes his space at the end of a day.  
  
But he’d forgotten the hazy cocoon of mornings, the sheets feeling softer with somebody else’s scent. Jinyoung inhales it slowly, savoring the the musk even as he’s a little too close to Jaebum’s armpit. The slightly spicy mix of deodorant, faded cologne and grown man sends a shiver down his spine.  
  
Jaebum is curled toward him still, one arm supporting Jinyoung’s head, the other draped over his waist. Jaebum starts to stir, fingers curling into Jinyoung’s hip and tugging him closer. It’s not a cold morning, but the bleary warmth between them is particularly appealing, and they both rock further into each other.  
  
Jinyoung recalls, drowsily, how the tension last night had dissipated comfortably. But now, Jaebum pressing his bodyline along his own, wrapped up in his scent, Jinyoung feels heady with arousal.  
  
Jaebum starts kissing his neck at an achingly slow pace. His lips barely ghost over Jinyoung’s skin at first, the heat of his breath feeling balmy as he mouths at him. Jinyoung mewls in protest, wriggling as he forces his eyes open and wakes up fully.  
  
Jaebum’s face reappears at the tiny sound, a corner of his lips tugging up in amusement. “Good morning,” he says, voice still thick with sleep. The depth of his tone sends a shudder down Jinyoung’s spine and he arches up against him, chests bumping.  
  
“Morning, hyung,” Jinyoung manages. He slips his fingers under Jaebum’s tee, seeking out the warm, taut skin beneath. Jaebum winces a bit at the cool touch of his fingertips, but then he presses a hand over Jinyoung’s from outside his shirt.  
  
Jinyoung blushes, eyes widening as Jaebum directs his hand low, lets him scrape his nails through the long trail of hair down his belly and towards his waistband. But Jinyoung stalls here, stroking back up and down the length of his abdomen instead.  
  
Jaebum still looks drowsily pleased, leaning in until their noses bump. “I’m going to kiss you now,” he says.  
  
“But my breath,” Jinyoung whines, turning his face.  
  
“Mine too,” says Jaebum with a snicker, chasing after his lips. And then finally they’re kissing, mouths meeting half in Jinyoung’s pillow, even as his cheeks burn in embarrassment.  
  
It’s soft, and slow, Jaebum coaxing him out of hiding. Then Jaebum dips his tongue into his mouth lazily, completely disregarding their morning breath, and after a moment all Jinyoung can really process is _wow_. How had they waited so long to taste each other? To think, Jaebum could have been nibbling his lips like this for ages.  
  
Jaebum moves slowly but confidently, kissing and suckling at Jinyoung’s mouth gently, taking his time to savour each lip at a time. Jinyoung feels like he’s being taken apart, inhibitions unraveling like a ball of yarn.  
  
With a burst of new confidence, he lets his hand slink down, into the waistband of Jaebum's sweats and briefs, and Jaebum’s breath stutters against his lips.  
  
But then he hums encouragingly and rolls his hips forward, mouth slotting down over Jinyoung’s chin and biting, scraping along his jawline.  
  
Jinyoung was nervous before but now he just wants to _feel_ Jaebum — wants to touch him, wants to smell him, wants him on him and under him simultaneously. He wants to make up for all the time they’ve lost pulling stubbornly apart.  
  
Jaebum continues to explore his body gently, the touch of him nearly vibrating through Jinyoung’s skin. As Jaebum’s blunt nails scrape down his back, he pushes into them, wanting his skin to break a little, wanting to take the mark of it.  
  
With a deep breath, he wraps his own fingers around Jaebum’s hardening length, velvety and hot. He feels it swell within his grip. They're both partially hard as it's morning anyhow, but Jinyoung feels him stiffen further, growing larger still.  
  
Pressing his lips together, he moves, slowly tugging up a bit. The blissful hum rumbling in Jaebum’s chest encourages him to continue stroking in earnest.  
  
The idea of making love to a man is still intimidating, but he finds comfort in recognizable parts, knows the head of his cock is the most sensitive — so he kneads the fleshy part of his palm against Jaebum’s. He gets a little scientific thrill at Jaebum’s immediate groan and files it away as a success.  
  
He keeps pumping, the singular pursuit of Jaebum’s pleasured noises driving him.  
  
Jaebum soon buries his face in the crook of Jinyoung’s neck, so overwhelmed he’s abandoning kisses in favor of breathing, and Jinyoung savors every whine and huff. Jaebum bucks into his touch insistently, asking without words for Jinyoung to speed up his strokes.  
  
But Jinyoung knows it will feel better if he draws it out a little longer, if he keeps the pace slow and steady. He teases his thumb around the slit, hoping to tease out more of his precome to help with the glide.  
  
Except Jaebum is coming already, hips going off rhythm and seizing, tense, whimpering slightly. “ _Fuck_ ,” he growls into Jinyoung’s shoulder, “shit, fuck.”  
  
Jinyoung is speechless, face burning as he feels each wave crash over Jaebum, each molten spurt pulsing through his fingers.  
  
In a daze, he loosens his sticky grip and pulls it out of Jaebum’s pants.  
  
“It was just – that thumb move,” Jaebum stammers slightly, drawing away with his face flushed in a mixture of shame and arousal. “It’s tough to hold out for too long, in the morning.”  
  
Jinyoung tries to hold back a smile, keeping his messy hand awkwardly out of the way. It’s strange how natural the moment feels, and he even mourns the fact that he can’t exactly lord this over him with the other members.  
  
Jaebum seems genuinely embarrassed, so Jinyoung kisses him again, insistent, messy and primal as if to reassure him the atmosphere hasn’t been ruined. Jinyoung rolls against him slightly, tongue dancing across his clenched teeth, and Jaebum tugs his hips away with a soft whine.  
  
“Give me a minute,” he gasps, moving to clutch Jinyoung’s face.  
  
Jinyoung stares at him, determined to provoke him, wanting to communicate to him that he’s proud to have worked Jaebum into an uncontrollable frenzy. With just his hand.  
  
So Jinyoung lifts his hand to his mouth, examining the pearly spunk starting to thicken like strings between his fingers, before looking Jaebum in the eye and licking it clean.  
  
Jaebum’s grip on his face trembles, and then he’s kissing his cheeks, his nose, and then finally tugging his hand away and kissing into his mouth. Jinyoung shivers as Jaebum slowly licks his way in, face hot as they share spit with the bitter aftertaste of Jaebum’s come.  
  
Then Jaebum shoves his shirt up his body, rucks it up haphazardly under Jinyoung's armpits. He darts down to drag his lips along Jinyoung's ribs, inhaling and exhaling slowly.  
  
“Can I try something?” He's murmuring, lips against Jinyoung's skin, and the moist, comforting heat makes Jinyoung's back arch further toward it.  
  
Jinyoung lets a noise that must sound positive enough, and Jaebum promptly latches his mouth over a nipple. Jinyoung’s eyes screw shut at the sensation – his senses fade out and then all he’s feeling, touching, hearing is the hot, wet, swirl of Jaebum’s tongue.  
  
The heat trickles down through him, arousal churning low in his hips until he feels even his cock responding. The sweet, wet sensation of Jaebum's mouth is calling, and he rocks his hips in response.  
  
The noise of it seems magnified, and it embarrasses Jinyoung – it’s a soft suckle that breaks off occasionally with an especially kind of nasty slurp, a puckering kiss that opens to let just the tip of his tongue flutter maniacally against the sensitive peak. And then the suction again, a vacuum clamped tight and teeth grazing along the perimeter as Jaebum works up more spit.  
  
Jinyoung’s never considered his nipples particularly sensitive. But he's never really tried touching here, and he’s certainly never had anyone offer such attention. To discover it now, with Jaebum, feels especially overwhelming. But he hopes they’re just at the start of a series of discoveries together.  
  
There's a gentle knock at his door, just as Jaebum licks a slow, slick trail to the other nipple.  
  
Jinyoung's eyes flutter open in a panic as he moves to sit up, but Jaebum flattens him down easily with a strong hand to the shoulder.  
  
“I locked it,” he whispers, sharp eyes finally meeting Jinyoung's, chin digging slightly into his ribs. “We’re still just _asleep_ , on our day off.”  
  
Jinyoung bites down on his lips as he watches Jaebum deliberately extend his tongue again.  
  
Suddenly Jinyoung can see it clearly for the first time: the way Jaebum looks at him. Pupils blown out, dark with lust. And he realizes, it’s not an unfamiliar face.  
  
He’s seen this look before, sometimes better restrained, sometimes mistaken for discomfort. It's been there when he'd pushed Jinyoung away, whenever they had a fight. It's been there for a long time, and Jinyoung wonders how he'd never equated it with what it is — _want_.  
  
Jinyoung is achingly hard now, Jaebum's ministrations drowning him in waves of bliss. He mewls and writhes as Jaebum thumbs steadily at his nubs, having pulled his mouth away to watch his face.  
  
“You need to keep quiet,” Jaebum whispers, leaning back over him, and Jinyoung stiffens, mid-whine. He'd immediately forgotten someone had knocked, had forgotten they were in the dorm, maybe forgotten he was still on earth at all.  
  
But now, Jaebum's here, breath ghosting hot on his lips, and Jinyoung feels like all of his senses sharpen and focus on their mouths coming together. And just like that, Jaebum is kissing him again, delicately nibbling at his pouty lip and sucking it, kneading as he'd done with Jinyoung’s nipples.  
  
If Jaebum thought this would be quieter, Jinyoung finds he's mistaken — in his small room, he can clearly hear their lips smacking together. And Jinyoung can't stop his moans, soft and short as he tries to keep them.  
  
“Noisy,” Jaebum murmurs chidingly as he pulls away, Jinyoung blearily blinking after him.  
  
He isn't sure what to expect, as Jaebum bows low again to suck at his neck, tongue lapping at his pulse point. Jinyoung can't help another gasp, high-pitched, but he's suddenly silenced.  
  
Jaebum has slipped two fingers into Jinyoung's mouth, pressing comfortingly down on the flat of his tongue. Jinyoung startles slightly, humming around their breadth in confusion, but Jaebum shushes him and bites on a nipple again.  
  
Jinyoung instinctively clamps his lips around Jaebum’s knuckles, sucks down hard in an attempt to muffle himself.  
  
Jaebum's tongue is a storm again, and Jinyoung slips back into a nearly mindless state, eyes rolling back. He sucks, gnaws, slobbers on the fingers.  
  
But something pierces through the waves of pleasure, something tugs him away from the vacuum of Jaebum's lips, away from the way his nipples ache and pulse as he kneads them til they're raw.  
  
It's a memory, a sensory association to the feeling of Jaebum's fingers in his mouth, and his eyes snap open with the realization. He lets the fingers slide out of his mouth, gone slack and panting, and he sits up, scooting out of Jaebum's immediate range.  
  
Jaebum looks up at him in confusion, lips still shining and wet as he sways a bit on his elbows, regaining his balance after Jinyoung's sudden retreat.  
  
“Hyung, you—,” and Jinyoung realizes he doesn't know how to explain what he's just thought. Jaebum's fingers in his mouth remind him of Jaebum's fingers in Jackson's mouth, a week or so before — and Jinyoung wonders, aches at the thought of being in the way someone else's feelings.  
  
And maybe worse, what if he's just another name on Jaebum's list? Of people he's muffled with his fingers as he’s torn them apart, of breasts he's tasted with his teeth? Is this just Jaebum's _modus operandi_ – is Jinyoung just his next target?  
  
“Did you — you really didn’t do this with Jackson?” Jinyoung gasps out.  
  
Jaebum's face flushes as his mouth drops open, a perfect picture of utter shock, and then, frustration.  
  
“ _No_ ,” Jaebum insists. “Why would you think that? I thought I was clear, nothing happened with us.”  
  
“Hyung, the other day, on the V-Live,” Jinyoung murmurs, shifting and moving to tug his shirt down, suddenly embarrassed about his nipples, swollen and pink and exposed. “You stuck your finger in his mouth, and–!”  
  
Jaebum pushes aside Jinyoung’s hands from holding his shirt, yanks it up and over his head and it muffles Jinyoung for a moment. Once it’s tossed aside, a now silent Jinyoung can see Jaebum looks irritated, predatory as he moves closer.  
  
It reminds Jinyoung perversely of their younger selves. Jinyoung purposely asking the wrong questions at the wrong time, and Jaebum advancing on him with a snap and a growl. It’s a dynamic Jinyoung’s somehow alway savored, raw and electric, and he wants to push it.  
  
“Jackson bit _me_. And yes, it was on V-Live. In front of the fans – _for_ the fans. This isn’t being broadcast, Jinyoung, it’s not fanservice.” Jaebum says, and Jinyoung stays quiet, though he trembles with want. He lets his eyes challenge Jaebum’s, silently beckoning even as he scoots further back.  
  
“I don't want to see it happen again,” Jinyoung says, testily.  
  
Jaebum nearly topples away from him in shock, eyebrows shooting up his forehead, jaw clenching. “You think you can talk to me like that?”  
  
Jaebum’s face is red, nearly purple for a moment. Jinyoung can feel the heat radiating from his skin as he moves in closer still, glaring. “I wanted my fingers in your mouth,” he continues, voice on edge. “To keep you quiet while I made you come.”  
  
Jinyoung goes breathless, the air punched out of him with such a simple declaration of wanton intent. “How do you plan—?” Jinyoung starts to sass, and Jaebum yanks him back towards him by his hips.  
  
“But now we can try it _your_ way,” Jaebum smirks, “and everybody will find out how loud you get.” He dives for Jinyoung's neck again, nips at the tendons there. Jinyoung starts to yelp but chokes it down as quickly as he can.  
  
Jinyoung feels Jaebum’s hands moving down the sides of his torso, winding around his waist and down between the curve of his ass and the bed. He shudders in anticipation, face on fire and heart twisting.  
  
Jaebum kisses back down his neck again, tongue lazily lapping all the way, around his sore nipples and down the sides of his ribcage. Jaebum manhandles him a bit, tugging his sweatpants down and off his legs. Jinyoung’s heart backflips, unsure.  
  
But then Jaebum is running his hands slowly and soothingly up and down the length of his legs, relaxing the taut muscles in his thigh, and Jinyoung could nearly purr with pleasure.  
  
“These little underpants,” Jaebum's voice whispers. “I kept _thinking_ about them.”  
  
His hands sharply clutch at Jinyoung's bottom, kneading through his underwear in slow, wide circles. Jinyoung makes a startled noise as he splays his cheeks open wide and then presses them back together. He isn’t sure what to expect, watching warily as Jaebum then rolls his briefs down carefully, helps him out of them leg by leg.  
  
The shock of being naked in front of Jaebum dissolves slightly once he tugs him closer still, lips returning to nuzzle his neck and fitting his warm, clothed body along the length of Jinyoung’s. Jaebum’s familiar form helps ease his nerves, and he rocks his hips up slightly into the press of the other’s.  
  
Jaebum draws a hand back to lick his fingers into his own mouth, and Jinyoung watches, breathless as he suckles at them. Jinyoung has an inkling of an idea, the direction they seem to be heading in, but he's still caught in a hiccup of surprise when he feels Jaebum's wet index finger trail between his cheeks, stroking flat across his entrance.  
  
“Have you ever touched yourself here, Jinyoungie?” Jaebum wonders, watching Jinyoung's every flickering reaction.  
  
Jinyoung shakes his head, teeth sinking into his bottom lip as Jaebum presses lightly inward. Jinyoung feels every dull millimeter of his short nail as it pushes past the rim, and fails to hold back a soft mewl.  
  
“Really?” Jaebum whispers, eyebrows raises. “That's interesting. I thought you'd have read about it somewhere by now, they don't do any of that in those _50 Shades_ books?”  
  
Jinyoung manages a snicker before he lets out a sharp hiss at Jaebum driving his finger in to the last knuckle. Jaebum hums, savoring the tension throughout Jinyoung's body and all of his noises.  
  
“Of course I've read about it,” Jinyoung whines, eyes unscrewing as he breathes in and out slowly. “I've just always been… nervous.”  
  
Jaebum lets him get accustomed, waits until Jinyoung is canting his own hips, then starts to slowly move his finger in and out, and Jinyoung startles at the sensation, the knuckles bumping gently against his insides. It's entirely foreign, this feeling of fullness and friction.  
  
“How do you usually touch yourself?” Jaebum whispers, just as he hooks the finger slightly, massaging a bundle of nerves. Jinyoung cries out before he catches himself, wrapping his arms around Jaebum's neck and scrabbling for a grip into his shoulders.  
  
“Wha-aahh,” Jinyoung can barely find words. “Nnngh, nothing weird,” he gasps.  
  
“Is this weird?” Jaebum teases. “Even I've done it. Here, this should help a bit,” he murmurs, having caught sight of a bottle of lotion amongst the clutter on Jinyoung’s end table. Jaebum slips his finger out for a moment to get it slicked up, and then Jinyoung feels him slip it back inside.  
  
Jinyoung lets out a lower groan, the mix of pleasure and pressure feeling more navigable with the glide, forgetting his struggle with volume. “I just,” Jinyoung nearly swears, rocking into the press of Jaebum's finger now. “Just usually use my hand, and sometimes—ah!”  
  
Jaebum has slipped in another finger alongside the first, face flushed but still annoyingly smug.  
  
“Sometimes,” Jinyoung bites out, “I’ll use a pillow— _oh_ , god.”  
  
Jaebum raises his eyebrows as he twists his fingers slightly, continuing to pump them in and out. “You like to grind on it, Jinyoungie?” He whispers. “Into the pillow?”  
  
Jinyoung can barely nod, head too dizzy.  
  
Jaebum hums, wrapping his other arm around Jinyoung's waist and angling him to sit up. Jinyoung yelps as his own weight slams him down vertically onto Jaebum's fingers, and the depth of it leaves him breathless, winded for a moment.  
  
Jaebum pulls him forward to straddle his lap, and Jinyoung instinctively rolls his hips forward. The friction he finds as he grinds his erection against Jaebum's stomach is marvelous, and even Jaebum lets out a low groan of satisfaction.  
  
Jinyoung feels him everywhere at once, the girth of his thick, short fingers still spearing inside, and the soft rub of a familiar sweatshirt and solid abdomen along his cock.  
  
Jinyoung lifts himself experimentally, letting out a long moan as he drops back down again, the perfect slide already too much.  
  
“That’s it,” Jaebum whispers, moving in to kiss a spot under his ear. Jinyoung spasms slightly, and then Jaebum helps him set a rhythm, guiding his hips with his free hand.  
  
Jinyoung grinds down on his fingers, and forward into his stomach, undulating against him. He considers he must look ridiculous, body fluid in feverish, sweaty arc. But when he manages a peek at Jaebum, he’s gazing up at him with mouth agape, eyes molten with admiration.  
  
“Ride it out,” Jaebum says in his ear. Jinyoung does as he’s told, fucking up against Jaebum’s lean body as his fingers curl and pulse inside him. Jaebum lets it build, lets Jinyoung pick up his own pace bit by bit, until he’s soon bucking uncontrollably, whining loudly as he seeks out his edge.  
  
The squelch of Jaebum thrusting his fingers in and out of him might embarrass Jinyoung any other time. He does notice it, but he’s too far gone to care, too grateful for their spike in speed and intensity. Jaebum is gritting his teeth, huffing through his nostrils and digging his fingers into Jinyoung’s hipbone as he helps him fumble further into madness.  
  
And then Jinyoung feels high, tumbling over the brink before he can even understand he’s coming, because he didn’t want to shout, voice hoarse and broken, didn’t want to make a mess in Jaebum’s shirt. He meant to bite his lips shut hard, meant to pull back his hips. But the feeling explodes too quickly, the warmth of his release rushing out of him before he can stop it, entrance spasming tight around Jaebum’s fingers even as they slow.  
  
But Jaebum keeps him pressed up tight against him, gently tugging one finger out at a time until his shuddering slows, hushing him softly and tipping him back so he can loll his head back onto the bed, so he can come down and breathe. Jinyoung stares up at the ceiling, air burning its way into his lungs it brings him back down to earth.  
  
Jaebum smears his fingers on his own shirt before peeling it off and tossing it aside, and Jinyoung shivers as he curls beside him, skin on skin for the first time.  
  
The scent of the room has changed, Jinyoung thinks in a daze. And Jaebum, head propped up on his arm, looks down at him with a different gaze.  
  
Jaebum had been serious about wanting Jinyoung. But now, quiet and alone, Jinyoung bashfully tugging his sheet up over his sore, naked waist, he sees something else. Jaebum’s eyes are adoring.  
  
“You were pretty loud,” he finally says. “And very pink.”  
  
“Sorry,” Jinyoung murmurs, unsure where to look. He settles on his side as well, facing Jaebum like a mirror once again. He feels most comfortable like this, when they face each other in tandem.  
  
Jaebum huffs out a quiet laugh, and then his hand is delicately stroking through Jinyoung’s damp, sweaty hair. “You shouldn’t apologize,” he says. “I’m going to remember it. It’s been a long time since I heard you make such a nasty sound.”  
  
Jinyoung snaps his gaze up under a furrowed brow to finally meet Jaebum’s. “What are you talking about?” He blurts, when Jaebum doesn’t immediately elaborate.  
  
“When we shared a room with Sungjin,” he murmurs, a sly smile spreading across his cheeks. “One night, really late. I think you thought everybody was asleep. We’d all passed out pretty hard after one of those all-day choreos. But I woke up. And I _heard_ you.”  
  
Jinyoung’s face burns, tugging the sheet up higher around him, as if it can shield him now from something that happened ages ago. “I never did that in the bunks,” he insists.  
  
“You did this time,” Jaebum says, eyebrows wagging. “The bedframe was a little squeaky. Not too loud, but it was too rhythmic to be anything else. And I laid there underneath you, staring up at the mattress. Listening to you trying to choke out a squeal as you came into a pillow.”  
  
Jinyoung huffs and looks away, finally resigned to accepting his shame. So much for teasing Jaebum for coming too quickly.  
  
“And I couldn’t figure it out then,” Jaebum’s voice has turned soft again. “I was so confused. Why was I hard? And it took me a long time,” he admits. “It took me a long time to think about anything else when I jerked off.”  
  
Jinyoung turns back to him in surprise, blush fading away as he feels a shiver trace down his spine, feels something flip in his gut. “You thought about me?” He asks.  
  
“I told you,” Jaebum says with a smile, letting his hand trace down the side of Jinyoung’s face. Jinyoung’s chest burns with overwhelming affection. “I told you, I wanted you.”  
  
  
//  
  
  
It takes Jinyoung a few days before he can get Jackson alone, and then he's not sure what to ask.  
  
Jackson sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t know what you want me to say,” he admits. “Do I think Jaebum is attractive? I’m not _blind_ , Jinyoung-ah.”  
  
Jinyoung bites his lower lip, rolls it between his teeth anxiously.  
  
Jackson looks back up at him with an open, sincere expression. “Right when we switched rooms,” he says slowly. “It helped to throw myself at him a little. It wasn’t like, a real rebound or anything. But it’s kind of tough to get dumped, by your best friend, who you live and work with. So any distraction helps.”  
  
Jinyoung nods, feeling small and nervous. So this must have been how feelings developed – this must have been how Jackson fell for Jaebum.  
  
“He’s sexy,” Jackson says with a laugh, leaning back and crossing his arms. “It’s easy to play around with him, easy to joke about it. And I guess if I had a real chance, I’d have gone for it, back then. I was feeling pretty undesirable.”  
  
Jinyoung’s heart twists.  
  
“But Jaebum hyung,” Jackson murmurs, face fond. “Jaebum hyung never took it seriously. I think he knew, a little bit, that I was overdoing it for somebody else. He asked me about it, and I told him about me and Mark.”  
  
Jinyoung’s breath catches slightly, staring across at Jackson in surprise. Jaebum knew about their relationship? And had never mentioned anything?  
  
“We joke about it a lot, you know, but he’s really a good leader,” Jackson says sweetly, reaching over and touching Jinyoung’s knee. “And I think, he’s becoming a good man.”  
  
Jinyoung feels his ears burning, surprised by how this statement so suddenly flusters him.  
  
“He’s good to us,” Jackson says, nodding. “And he’s been too good to me, for too long. Since even Mark thinks there’s something there. Early on, I was kind of happy he seemed jealous — but now he just looks miserable.”  
  
“Mark said,” Jinyoung mumbles. “Mark said you want Jaebum. And that you deserve him.”  
  
Jackson huffs, drawing his hand back and looking as close to irritated as Jinyoung’s seen him in a while. “Look – even if I wanted him, Jaebum never wanted me back. And if it’s a _no_ , I take it as a no.” He puts his face in his hands, rubs it with a groan. “And if somebody _breaks up_ with me, what am I supposed to do with _that_?”  
  
Jinyoung nods numbly.  
  
“I mean!” Jackson exclaims, hands flinging aside, face turning red in patches of frustration. “What am I supposed to do with somebody who outright _tells me_ that _I_ don’t want to be with them? Says they have to end it, _for me_?”  
  
Jinyoung shrugs small in support, even though he knows it’s rhetorical.  
  
Jackson heaves another sigh, but his face softens. “Jinyoung-ah,” he says gently, “if you are holding back from being with Jaebum because you don’t know how you feel about him, okay. But if it has anything to do with me, _forget_ about it.”  
  
Jinyoung lets out a nervous, sharp laugh. He gnaws his lip, touches his hair. He doesn’t like how straightforward Jackson is being about it.  
  
It makes the situation feel too real, too present, and it makes Jinyoung realize he’s been leaning too heavily into Jackson’s feelings as a safety net. Before, he couldn’t have Jaebum because he was straight. Then, it was because he was involved with Jackson. Then, even if Jaebum was outright seducing Jinyoung, there was still Jackson’s heart to look out for.  
  
But Jinyoung supposes it's been real all along, not least of all when he came, shuddering, in Jaebum's embrace the night before.  
  
“I don’t know,” Jinyoung says, voice wobbling. “You should talk to Mark.”  
  
Jackson chuckles, soft and bitter. “I wish I could,” he says.  
  
There’s a long pause, as Jinyoung considers. It’s down to him and Jaebum. They care about each other, and there’s little else involved. There’s obviously: the company. Their group. The future. But those issues would align no matter what, in any chance at a relationship. Any chance at happiness.  
  
“How do you do it?” Jinyoung whispers, staring at his fingers, lacing and interlacing anxiously.  
  
“What?” Jackson asks.  
  
“How did you and Mark...” Jinyoung’s throat feels thick, tight. “How were you together, without anybody knowing? What about, the worst, what about if–!”  
  
“Quietly,” says Jackson, voice even, and his eyes are bright as Jinyoung blinks up at him. “Just, _quietly_. And remember if the worst happens, at least, it happens to you together. Hand in hand.”  
  
  
//  
  
  
There's a slew of promotions the next day — morning through late at night. Mark is quieter than usual, even shifting away from Jinyoung's light touches in the van.  
  
Jinyoung lags behind the group as they make their way back into the dorm, spreading out. Jinyoung feels uneasy, a shadow of guilt as everyone seems to separate.  
  
While he and Jaebum have resolved their issues, it hasn't set everyone at ease.  
  
Jinyoung paces nervously by Mark's bedroom door until the other emerges with a towel slung over his shoulder, on his way for a shower.  
  
Mark takes a sharp breath, looking cornered.  
  
“Are you upset with me?” Jinyoung demands, blocking the hall to the bathroom.  
  
Mark opens his mouth and then snaps it shut again immediately, staring at his feet. After a long pause, he looks Jinyoung in the eye again. “No, but I am upset. And I know it’s not fair of me. I just didn’t expect things to happen like this.”  
  
Jinyoung reaches out, wanting to touch his arm, desperate for Mark to feel his sincerity in a palpable, real way. But Mark angles away from him.  
  
“I just need some more time,” Mark grits out. “I thought you would do something else. I thought you’d back off from the Jaebum stuff because you kept saying you weren’t sure, and nothing was happening. And instead you jump at the first chance to fuck him, and now you're going around acting all–!” He waves his hand vaguely, running out of thoughts and words.  
  
“I didn’t _jump_ ,” Jinyoung whispers. “And we didn’t – it didn't happen like that.” And it's painful, because he was so ready to tell Mark about it, because he tells Mark everything. Instead, it feels like a disappointment.  
  
Mark rolls his eyes with a softer sigh. “Whatever,” he says. “Did you see how Jackson was looking at you two, during the radio show?”  
  
Jinyoung shakes his head. Jaebum had sat beside him, and they'd dominated each other's attentions. Jinyoung had to catch himself several times, looking too softly or letting his touches linger.  
  
“He looked jealous,” Mark says. “And heartbroken.”  
  
“ _Excuse me_ ,” interrupts Jackson’s voice, crisp and forceful. “It seems like you want to talk _about_ me, Mark, but maybe if you talk _to me_ , I could clear things up for you.”  
  
Jinyoung shrinks against the wall, suddenly caught between the two in the span of the hallway.  
  
“You said I looked jealous, and heartbroken,” Jackson continues, stepping forward into Mark's space. Mark doesn't move, but Jinyoung sees his fingers clutching tight into his towel.  
  
It’s unusual for Jackson to use the full depth of his voice, this way. He constantly lightens himself, rarely pressing it except when recording. In the narrow space of the hallway, his deep tone feels intimidating.  
  
“You're right,” Jackson says. “But it's not for the reasons you're thinking. I'm jealous of Jinyoung, sure. I'm jealous of Jaebum, too. But I'm jealous of them finally talking to each other, and being honest. I'm jealous they were able to work out their shit, while you won't reply to my texts, can't even look me in the eye.”  
  
Mark looks stiff as a board, eyes fixed stubbornly beyond Jackson. But as he slowly blinks, the gleam of tears in his eyes becomes obvious.  
  
Jinyoung starts to slowly, silently inch away, back pressing against the wall. He doesn't need to be here, doesn't need to see this.  
  
“Are you even _happy_?” Jackson asks, voice softening. “Do you think you avoided getting hurt? Because it doesn't really look like it.”  
  
A beat passes. Mark swallows audibly, looks up at Jackson with shining, trembling eyes, and shakes his head.  
  
“Me neither,” says Jackson, mournfully. “I'm jealous, you’re right. And completely, totally heartbroken. And I just want you back. So bad.”  
  
Jinyoung finally edges past, hurrying away to give them privacy. But before he rushes up the stairs to his own room, he hears a soft thud, and he glances back, a shade too curious.  
  
Jackson’s been shoved against the wall, Mark burying his face into his neck. His shoulders tremble, as Jackson drags his hands up over them. They lean on each other in silence.  
  
Jinyoung scurries up the stairs and away, chest tight but breathing a little easier.  
  
  
//  
  
  
It's not long after, on their way to a long-form, feature interview, Jinyoung notices a glint of something new on Mark's hand.  
  
Jinyoung glances around the van first, verifying the other members are busy in their other rows, and then he softly pulls Mark's hand to his lap. “Hyung,” he whispers, looking down and delicately adjusting the heavy band.  
  
It's mostly solid, heavy and masculine. But it's inset with a thin row of the tiniest diamonds, barely noticeable until the light catches them one at a time, and then they're blinding.  
  
Jinyoung rotates it slowly, mesmerized.  
  
“Ahh,” Mark chuckles awkwardly, pulling his hand back for a moment to pluck it off his ring finger and instead stack it with another band on another finger.  
  
“I know it's too flashy, I _told_ him I barely wear a ring or two at a time, if ever. The fansites will catch it too easy.”  
  
“It's so serious,” Jinyoung murmurs.  
  
“It's not!” Mark is blushing, though, and crosses his arms to hide it further. Jackson is in the next row up and Jinyoung watches Mark tracing his profile with his eyes.  
  
“It doesn't mean like, _married_ or anything,” Mark murmurs.  
  
Jinyoung nods, accepting this with a soft _okay_. Mark and Jackson had always exchanged jewelry, lavish watches and bracelets. Jinyoung had considered it sort of superficial, hollow according to his own tastes.  
  
But in retrospect, he understands it was part of their intimate relationship, a language Jinyoung had no right to try and interpret.  
  
Now, he's just grateful to see it resurface.  
  
  
//  
  
  
Jinyoung still holds his own hand, sometimes. It’s a nervous habit, hard to break.  
  
But often now, before he’s even realized he's doing it again, he’ll feel Jaebum's sudden presence at his side, the warmth of his arm pressing against his own. As if his habit has signaled him, beckoned.  
  
It happens now, in the midst of their interview.  
  
“So, _Actor_ Park Jinyoung-ssi,” one of the MCs addresses him with a grin, but the title feels a little too syrupy, condescending. “We understand you’ve already signed on for two movies following this drama’s finale.”  
  
Jinyoung nods, offering a modest smile. “Yes, and I’m so grateful,” he says. “This experience has been really fulfilling, but I’m definitely excited to keep trying different roles.”  
  
“We’ve heard so much about your acting,” the other host gushes, “there are good reviews, and rumors about awards, and praises from your senior cast members.”  
  
Jinyoung flushes, starting to dip into a small bow and murmuring his thanks.  
  
“But isn’t this better for you than being in GOT7?” Her tone switches, suddenly sharp. “Couldn't you just be an actor from now on? Soompi published a quote from one of your agents saying they’ve been overwhelmed trying to split your schedule fairly between the acting projects and your responsibilities in GOT7. Wouldn’t it be better to focus your energy entirely on one thing?”  
  
Jinyoung feels himself go pale as he considers a response, the severity of the rumors finally crystallizing. Suddenly, he feels uneasy, as if he’s brought this upon himself. Does he _seem_ as if he wants to _quit_ GOT7? Is he too greedy for fame? For a moment he even feels faintly ashamed of basking in the sunbeam in his room.  
  
The audience is strangely quiet, and his members are too.  
  
But then Jaebum is reaching out and taking Jinyoung’s hand, unlacing it from his own anxious grip.  
  
“Is he committing a crime by being good at two things?” Jaebum asks.  
  
The host smiles slightly. “I didn’t call it a crime,” she chuckles.  
  
“Our second single from this album,” Jaebum offers, squeezing Jinyoung’s hand, “was composed and written by our Jinyoung. It did better than the title track. He’s been in three editorials and two CFs this month. And the cross-promotion has been really good – ahgases go to his movies, and people who want to see more of Jinyoung’s charms are searching him and finding us all the time.”  
  
The other MC nods fervently, elbowing the other host in a jokingly harsh manner. “Of course!” He bursts. “Doesn’t it help both businesses?”  
  
“To me,” Jaebum says, tone going terse, “it seems like if someone really is complaining about scheduling an idol who's in high demand, maybe they aren’t very skilled at management. So, I feel sorry for them; it must be hard to be around Jinyoung – since he’s skilled at many different things.”  
  
“We all find it hard to be around Jinyoung,” Yugyeom says cheekily, and just like that, the tension melts away. Both hosts and the audience laugh as Jinyoung pretends to kick out at him.  
  
Still, Jaebum doesn't let go of Jinyoung's hand, and it stays that way through the interview. And the warmth of his presence beside him lingers even longer.  
  
Jinyoung feels hopeful. Nervous habits take a long time to break. But he thinks he might have some help.  
  
  
**//**


End file.
